funny quotes and jokes

Christmas is a time to open our hearts to God and his gifts. Just like the rest of the year. ~Author Unknown



Learning how to operate a soul figures to take time. ~Timothy Leary



Worry often gives a small thing a big shadow. ~Swedish Proverb



A man may be so much of everything that he is nothing of anything. ~Samuel Johnson, Boswell, Life of Johnson, 1783



I don't care how poor a man is; if he has family, he's rich. ~Dan Wilcox and Thad Mumford, M*A*S*H, "Identity Crisis,"



Smack your child every day. If you don't know why - he does. ~Joey Adams



Back then, my idol was Bugs Bunny, because I saw a cartoon of him playing ball - you know, the one where he plays every position himself with nobody else on the field but him? Now that I think of it, Bugs is still my idol. You have to love a ballplayer like that. ~Nomar Garciaparra



All that the historians give us are little oases in the desert of time, and we linger fondly in these, forgetting the vast tracks between one and another that were trodden by the weary generations of men. ~John Alfred Spender, The Comments of Bagshot



I played as much golf as I could in North Dakota, but summer up there is pretty short. It usually falls on Tuesday. ~Mike Morley



You're never as good as everyone tells you when you win, and you're never as bad as they say when you lose. ~Lou Holtz and John Heisler, The Fighting Spirit



The very worst fire plan is no plan. The next worse is two plans. ~Author Unknown



Be wary of the man who urges an action in which he himself incurs no risk. ~Joaquin de Setanti



The kindest word in all the world is the unkind word, unsaid. ~Author Unknown



If food is your best friend, it's also your worst enemy. ~Edward "Grandpa" Jones, 1978



Wisdom is knowing what to do next; virtue is doing it. ~David Star Jordan, The Philosophy of Despair



Proverbs often contradict one another, as any reader soon discovers. The sagacity that advises us to look before we leap promptly warns us that if we hesitate we are lost; that absence makes the heart grow fonder, but out of sight, out of mind. ~Leo Rosten



Many continentals think life is a game; the English think cricket is a game. ~George Mikes, How to Be an Alien, 1946



While earning your daily bread, be sure you share a slice with those less fortunate. ~Quoted in P.S. I Love You, compiled by H. Jackson Brown, Jr.



Though boys throw stones at frogs in sport, the frogs do not die in sport, but in earnest. ~Bion, "Water and Land Animals," Plutarch



Wine gives courage and makes men more apt for passion. ~Ovid