random funny quotes

To fall into a habit is to begin to cease to be. ~Miguel de Unamuno, The Tragic Sense of Life



Nothing so soothes our vanity as a display of greater vanity in others; it make us vain, in fact, of our modesty. ~Louis Kronenberger



We starve the rats, creosote the ticks, swat the flies, step on the cockroaches and poison the scales. Yet when these pests appear in human form we go paralytic. ~Martin H. Fischer



As long as mankind shall continue to bestow more liberal applause on their destroyers than on their benefactors, the thirst of military glory will ever be the vice of exalted characters. ~Edward Gibbon



I skip for that all-over body tickle. ~John Olesen



While I thought that I was learning how to live, I have been learning how to die. ~Leonardo Da Vinci



The violets in the mountains have broken the rocks. ~Tennessee Williams



After all the trouble you go to, you get about as much actual "food" out of eating an artichoke as you would from licking 30 or 40 postage stamps. ~Miss Piggy



The rose has thorns only for those who would gather it. ~Chinese Proverb



Deliberation is a function of the many; action is the function of one. ~Charles de Gaulle, War Memoirs, 1960



Say "Yes" to the seedlings and a giant forest cleaves the sky. Say "Yes" to the universe and the planets become your neighbors. Say "Yes" to dreams of love and freedom. It is the password to utopia. ~Brooks Atkinson, Once Around the Sun, 1951



No man has a good enough memory to make a successful liar. ~Abraham Lincoln



Hormones, vitamines, stimulants and depressives are oils upon the creaky machinery of life. Principal item, however, is the machinery. ~Martin H. Fischer



The big dispute between the government and Microsoft concerns the Internet "browser," which is the piece of software that puts a message on your computer screen informing you that the Internet is currently busy and you should try again later. As you can imagine, the potential market for this service is huge, so Microsoft would like you to use its browser, and not somebody else's. ~Dave Barry, 1998



On the bathing-tub of King T'ang the following words were engraved: "If you would one day renovate yourself, do so from day to day. Yea, let there be daily renovation." ~Confucian Analects



Men at most differ as Heaven and Earth, but women, worst and best, as Heaven and Hell. ~Alfred Lord Tennyson



They call it golf because all of the other four-letter words were taken. ~Raymond Floyd



Your problem is you're... too busy holding onto your unworthiness. ~Ram Dass



Walking isn't a lost art - one must, by some means, get to the garage. ~Evan Esar



Darwin has interested us in the history of nature's technology. ~Karl Marx, Capital, 1867