best friend quotes funny

Love all, trust a few, do wrong to none. ~William Shakespeare



I haven't reported my missing credit card to the police because whoever stole it is spending less than my wife. ~Ilie Nastase



No snowflake ever falls in the wrong place. ~Zen



If you wish to make an apple pie truly from scratch, you must first invent the universe. ~Carl Sagan



Oh how we love pumpkin season. You did know this gourd-ish squash has its own season, right? Winter, Spring, Summer, Pumpkin.... We anxiously anticipate it every year. ~Trader Joe's Fearless Flyer, October 2010



Useful and ornamental needlework, knitting, and netting are capable of being made, not only sources of personal gratification, but of high moral benefit, and the means of developing in surpassing loveliness and grace, some of the highest and noblest feelings of the soul. ~Author unknown, from The Ladies' Work Table Book, 1845



How much can you know about yourself if you've never been in a fight? ~Fight Club movie, screenplay by Jim Uhls, directed by David Fincher, novel by Chuck Palahniuk



Laughorisms: humorous aphorisms, a term coined by Ambrose Bierce.



Such is the human race, often it seems a pity that Noah... didn't miss the boat. ~Mark Twain



I'll tell you a big secret, my friend: Don't wait for the Last Judgment. It happens every day. ~Albert Camus, The Fall, 1956



Nothing so much prevents our being natural as the desire to seem so. ~Francois, Duc de La Rochefoucauld, Maxims, 1678



There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast. ~Author Unknown



A happy childhood is poor preparation for human contacts. ~Colette



The camera can photograph thought. ~Dirk Bogarde



I'll tell you a big secret, my friend: Don't wait for the Last Judgment. It happens every day. ~Albert Camus, The Fall, 1956



Respect for the truth is an acquired taste. ~Mark Van Doren, Liberal Education, 1943



There is such a thing as the freedom of exhaustion. Some people are so worn down by the yoke of oppression that they give up.... The oppressed must never allow the conscience of the oppressor to slumber.... To accept injustice or segregation passively is to say to the oppressor that his actions are morally right. ~Martin Luther King, Jr., Stride Toward Freedom: The Montgomery Story, 1958



The angels are always near to those who are grieving, to whisper to them that their loved ones are safe in the hand of God. ~Quoted in The Angels' Little Instruction Book by Eileen Elias Freeman, 1994



The Anglo-Saxon conscience doesn't keep you from doing what you shouldn't; it just keeps you from enjoying it. ~Salvador de Madariaga



Washington's is the mightiest name of earth - long since mightiest in the cause of civil liberty; still mightiest in moral reformation. On that name no eulogy is expected. It cannot be. To add brightness to the sun, or glory to the name of Washington, is alike impossible. Let none attempt it. In solemn awe pronounce the name, and in its naked deathless splendor leave it shining on. ~Abraham Lincoln