very funny quotes for facebook

Whether he likes it or not, a man�s character is stripped at the poker table; if the other players read him better than he does, he has only himself to blame. Unless he is both able and prepared to see himself as others do, flaws and all, he will be a loser in cards, as in life. ~Anthony Holden



Every man's disease is his personal property. ~Alonzo Clark



Love - a wildly misunderstood although highly desirable malfunction of the heart which weakens the brain, causes eyes to sparkle, cheeks to glow, blood pressure to rise and the lips to pucker. ~Author Unknown



There are only ten minutes in the life of a pear when it is perfect to eat. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson



Kissing don't last; cookery do! ~George Meredith



If you have a college degree you can be absolutely sure of one thing... you have a college degree. ~Author Unknown



It is our job to make women unhappy with what they have. ~B. Earl Puckett, quoted in Stephen Donadio, The New York Public Library: Book of Twentieth-Century American Quotations, 1992



The question is this: Is man an ape or an angel? I am on the side of the angels. ~Benjamin Disraeli



God can never be a definition. He is more than even the entirety of the dictionary. ~Terri Guillemets



Question: " I understand that Congress is considering a so-called 'flat' tax system. How would this work?" Answer: "If Congress were to pass a 'flat' tax, you'd simply pay a fixed percentage of your income, and you wouldn't have to fill out any complicated forms, and there would be no loopholes for politically connected groups, and normal people would actually understand the tax laws, and giant talking broccoli stalks would come around and mow your lawn for free, because Congress is NOT going to pass a flat tax, you pathetic fool." ~Dave Barry



A scout troop consists of twelve little kids dressed like schmucks following a big schmuck dressed like a kid. ~Jack Benny



Those who do not know how to weep with their whole heart don't know how to laugh either. ~Golda Meir



It's hard enough to be taken seriously in the struggle for gay rights without having a bunch of straight girls running around kissing each other to get the attention of boys and videocameras. ~M. Robin D'Antan, 2002



They are ill discoverers that think there is no land, when they can see nothing but sea. ~Francis Bacon



In the spring I have counted one hundred and thirty-six different kinds of weather inside of four and twenty hours. ~Mark Twain



Hatreds are the cinders of affection. ~Walter Raleigh



Innovative capitalists have tried to rewrite nature, but to no avail. ~Astrid Alauda



Baseball is reassuring. It makes me feel as if the world is not going to blow up. ~Sharon Olds, This Sporting Life, 1987



We're all hookers. What matters is dignity. ~Mike Farren



The old Lakota was wise. He knew that man's heart away from nature becomes hard; he knew that lack of respect for growing, living things soon led to lack of respect for humans too. ~Chief Luther Standing Bear