Christina Aguilera Is A Free Woman

Awww, remember the good old days of Xtina and Jordan Bratman's touching, monumental relationship? Weren't they just like the Liz Taylor and Richard Burton of our times? Yeah, right.

Their classy marriage finally came to an end just before the weekend, as their divorce was finalized. Now Christina is free to boink that Matthew Rutler guy all she wants (not that being married was actually stopping her). Or she can just scissor Linda Perry till the cows come home.

And who knows—maybe she'll even record a good album for once? At this point her fans will just have to settle for watching her on The Voice, which starts next week and is either going to be the biggest snoozefest or lamest rip-off on TV. I'm guessing a little bit of both.

If and when that tanks, it's next stop: Xtina's shower cam site.

Hell Has Frozen Over: Britney Spears And Christina Aguilera Announce Co-Headlining Tour

Earlier this week, things were looking pretty shaky for Britney Spears' upcoming summer tour once Enrique Iglesias bailed on the supposed co-headlining trek hours after Brit announced the gigs on Good Morning America. And since then, everyone from Usher to Nicki Minaj has been mentioned as possible replacements on the joint venture. (Though I'm still perplexed as to why Britney needs to share a bill with anyone. Didn't this broad break the bank with her last tour?)

Thankfully for Spears diehards, the Femme Fatale ended the suspense (and pretty pretty much caused a collective "Huh?!") when she tweeted that her onetime rival in all things pop, Christina Aguilera, will be joining her on the road from June through August:

"I'm so happy to reveal my secret to all of you all that my OLD friend @theRealXtina and I are going on tour together this summer. 2 bionic women, 2 femme fatales! xo - Brit"

I actually had to read that four times to believe it.

Until the concerts kick off in mid-June, Xtina will be slumming fulfilling her judging duties alongside Cee Lo Green, Adam Levine and Blake Shelton on upcoming NBC reality music competition The Voice, which debuts in April.

Meanwhile, can you imagine the fiery, dueling tour riders these two broads will have? Like, what happens when Britney's dumptruck full of Cheetos and Xtina's classy catering truck show up backstage at the same time, and cause a traffic jam while crew is trying to unload lighting rigs?

But forget that for a minute—what songs will Aguilera be performing? Will she be doing tracks off Bionic, which, at this point, was released nearly a year ago? Will it be a greatest hits-type show?  WHAT IS GOING ON?

I guess the most important thing to remember is...Happy April Fool's Day.

Dido, A.R. Rahman '127 Hours' Song Nominated For An Oscar, Xtina Screams Into Her Pillow

I've had an aversion to 127 Hours ever since its release last fall. Something about watching hot piece of tail James Franco hack off his arm doesn't exactly seem like popcorn fare.

Likewise, I've had an aversion to Dido ever since she warbled on the horrid 2004 Band Aid 20 abortion of a charity single, the release—and utter injustice—of which (true story) partly inspired the creation of Chart Rigger.

But surprise! Dido and composer A.R. Rahman's dirge from 127 Days, "If I Rise," has been nominated for a Best Original Song Oscar (along with “Coming Home” from Country Strong, “I See the Light” from Tangled and “We Belong Together” from Toy Story 3), while Christina Aguilera and Cher's semi-entertaining musical flick Burlesque was shut out. "If I Rise" was co-written by Dido's brother Rollo Armstrong.



Last week Diane Warren won a Golden Globe for penning Cher's big Burlesque ballad, "You Haven't Seen The Last Of Me."

Oh, well—that was a good jam, but those old broads should just concentrate on slapping together Cher's new album. It's only been ten years since Living Proof, after all. And, Jesus—even Britney, who went through some cracked-out years, is about to release her fifth album since 2001.

Chart Rigger turned 6 this week. Fill out the fun pop blogiversary questionnaire.

And If You Don't Like It, Fuck You: The 10 Worst Singles Of 2010

It never fails—each year brings a new bucketful of rotten singles, causing trusty Chart Rigger sidekick Moogaboo and I put on the rubber gloves and fling them into the trash bin where they belong every December. And 2010 was certainly no exception! Below are the 10 biggest culprits of noise pollution we found lurking around the airwaves over the past 12 months.

10. Christina Aguilera, "Not Myself Tonight"

Moogaboo says: "The public deflation Xtina's bloated sense of entitlement was one of the more entertaining disasters of the year. Lucky for her, the ball-gag muffled any potential screaming tantrums."
D'luv says: "I will proudly admit that this song was one of my guilty pleasures in 2010. But I can also appreciate the sheer magnitude of flopdom is represents for Xtina's career. Plus, it wasn't the ultimate guilty pleasure. So here we are."
PREVIOUS TRIUMPH: Christina soared to #6 on our Worst list in 2006 with "Ain't No Other Man."

9. Robbie Williams & Gary Barlow, "Shame"

Moogaboo says: "I realize this is supposed to be the 'full-circle' portion of the Robbie Williams redemption story, but I find him tiresome and his continued attempts at relevance more pathetic with each passing year. Next."
PREVIOUS TRIUMPH: Robbie proudly reached #4 on our Worst list in 2006 with "Rudebox."

8. B.o.B featuring Hayley Williams, "Airplanes"

D'luv says: "Maybe if this song wasn't rammed up my ass every time I turned on the radio over the past six months, it wouldn't be here on this list. Alas..."

7. Cheryl Cole, "Promise This"

D'luv says: "If Cheryl used her mouth for something other than lip-syncing crap trash like this every time she got on a stage, she'd probably be able to keep a man."

6. Nadine Coyle, "Insatiable"

D'luv says: "How cute—she thought she had a career other than the pole."

5. Estelle, "Freak"

Moogaboo says: "Someone needed to pull this doll aside and say, 'No. Just no.' Sadly, they didn't, and that's how Estelle went from Grammy winner to dumpster barnacle in one short year."
D'luv says: "Wow—this really was a colossal flop on every level. Of course, if I paid a producer tens of thousands of dollars and this was the dreck they came up with for me, there would most definitely be a homicide."

4. Mike Posner, "Cooler Than Me"

Moogaboo says: "Finally, an anthem for insecure dildos."

3. The Black Eyed Peas, "The Time (Dirty Bit)"

D'luv says: "Good ol' Black Eyed Peas—always there to remind us that shit sells."
Moogaboo says: "So true. This completely wipes out any good will they may have accrued with 'Meet Me Half Way' and reminds me that they're the same bozos who did 'My Humps'."
PREVIOUS TRIUMPH: The Peas easily sailed to #5 on our Worst list in 2009 with "Boom Boom Pow", while Fergie received accolades when we dubbed "London Bridge" the #1 worst single of 2006.

2. Travie McCoy featuring Bruno Mars, "Billionaire"

D'luv says: "I wanna be a billionaire, too, so I can buy a city block and drop it on Travie McCoy's head."
Moogaboo says: "Deserves a punch in the face for the porkpie hat and suspenders alone."

1. Artists For Haiti, "We Are The World 25 For Haiti"

Moogaboo: "This doomed flotilla of Z-listers (and Streisand) capsized quickly, but I like to think their semi-sincere efforts did some good. Otherwise, we endured Jamie Foxx's obnoxious Ray Charles impression again for nothing."
D'luv says: "Apparently it takes 80 or so people to fuck up a classic, stage the biggest non-event of the year, give Vince Vaughn a reason to sing and then, ultimately, flop. But, hey, man—Bieber."

ALSO SEE:
* The Worst Singles Of 2009
* The Worst Singles Of 2008
* The Worst Singles Of 2007
* The Worst Singles Of 2006

Kylie Minogue Does 'This Is JLS', Christina Aguilera And Rihanna Do 'The X Factor'

With The X Factor wrapping up this weekend, the show pulled out the big guns for the musical performances. Kylie appeared on ITV's This Is JLS special with the pop quartet beforehand—and too bad she didn't perform "Better Than Today" last night rather than a month ago on The X Factor. Otherwise it might not be sitting at #90 on the UK iTunes chart during its official week of release.

Oh, well. Here's JLS and Kylie doing "All The Lovers"...



...Christina Aguilera on X Factor doing "Express"...



...and Rihanna performing "What's My Name". (Where can I get a version of this without Drake on it?)

U.S. Chart Roundup: Raise Your Glass To Pink, Who Has Her Third #1 Single

I'm immensely happy to see Pink's "Raise Your Glass" make its way to #1 on the Billboard Hot 100 this week. Who knew that this broad would still be around all these years later, while the rest of her fellow "Lady Marmalade" singers would fall over into the dumpster, one-by-one?

And, yes—I usually try to avoid mention "Lady Marmalade" in relation to Pink's chart achievements, but in this case I'm doin' it, since it was her first of three #1 singles over the past nine years (the second being "So What" in 2008).

Over on the Top 200 chart, Pink's Greatest Hits...So Far!!! falls from #14 to #29. (Though that's not as disastrous as Nelly's drop from #10 to #39 with 5.0.)

Also loving the rapid succession of #1 singles on the Hot 100 lately. It's especially gratifying, since when I started this blog, it was in the days of some rap song topping the chart for six-to-10 week stretches at a time.

Anyway, Enrique Iglesias' trashy new club jam "Tonight (I'm Fuckin' You)" debuts at #18 this week (albeit in it's clean "I'm Lovin' You" form). It's a real Renaissance for the hottest piece of tail in pop, considering he now has two Top 20 singles under his naughty belt in 2010. Previously, his last Top 20 hit was "Escape," which reached #12 in 2002.

Meanwhile, just as "We No Speak Americano" slides out of the Top 40, another dance jam from overseas—Edward Maya's "Stereo Love"—continues to make gains. The tune previously reached #4 on the UK chart back in May, and this week climbs to #26 here in the States.



Other trash: Michael Jackson and Akon's "Hold My Hand" jumps from #84 to #50, Christina Aguilera's "Show Me How You Burlesque" debuts at #70 and David Guetta and Rihanna's "Who's That Chick" enters at #73.

The U.S. Top 10:

1. "Raise Your Glass" - Pink *1 week*
2. "Firework" - Katy Perry 
3. "Only Girl (In The World)" - Rihanna
4. "Just The Way You Are" - Bruno Mars
5. "What's My Name" - Rihanna feat. Drake
6. "We R Who We R" - Ke$ha 
7. "Like A G6" - Far*East Movement
8. "Just A Dream" - Nelly
9. "The Time (The Dirty Bit)" - The Black Eyed Peas
10. "Grenade" - Bruno Mars

So How's 'Burlesque' Doing At The Box Office?

If, like me, you've been morbidly curious to watch how Christina Aguilera/Cher flick Burlesque performs at the box office, then you're probably just as surprised to find that, after an avalanche of bad reviews (and a 35% rating on RottenTomatoes.com), the movie has grossed nearly $20 million since its release last Wednesday.

In fact, while attendance for both Harry Potter and Tangled dropped off from Monday to Tuesday, it shot up for Burlesque. Likewise, the soundtrack, which debuts on the new Billboard Top 200 chart this week at #18 with 63,000 copies sold, has been hovering in the Top 10 on iTunes since the weekend.

(I should mention that, yes, I saw the movie—on Thanksgiving, no less! Knocking back several cocktails at dinner beforehand is definitely the way to go, though, c'mon—Burlesque is not as bad as some are making it out to be. Oh, sorry—that might be the alcohol talking?)

It's probably safe to say that the film's $55 million budget won't be recouped in U.S. ticket sales alone. In fact, it's probably more likely that Cher will have her original tits screwed back on. But once overseas box office numbers are factored in, Burlesque will escape being a Glitter-like flop.

Or, for that matter, even a Bionic-like flop.

2010 American Music Awards: List Of Winners & The Four Best Performances

Rihanna's red wig made her look like Jennifer Beals in Flashdance, Pink strangely sounded a bit off for once (give her a break—she's pregnant!), Christina Aguilera looked like a stripper (business as usual) and the much-hyped New Kids On The Block vs. Backstreet Boys mashup was pretty anticlimactic.

Still, these were the four best performances from last night's 2010 American Music Awards (catch the two worst here):




2010 AMERICAN MUSIC AWARDS: The Winners

Favorite Soul/R&B Album: Usher, Raymond v. Raymond
Favorite Pop Rock Band/Duo/Group: The Black Eyed Peas
Favorite Country Female Artist: Taylor Swift
Favorite Latin Music Artist: Shakira
Favorite Soul/R&B Female Artist: Rihanna
Favorite Country Male Artist: Brad Paisley
Favorite Breakthrough Artist: Justin Bieber
Favorite Pop/Rock Male Artist: Justin Bieber
Favorite Country Band/Duo/Group: Lady Antebellum
Favorite Alternative Rock Music Artist: Muse
Favorite Adult Contemporary Music Artist: Michael Bublé
Favorite Soul/R&B Male Artist: Usher
Favorite Artist of the Year: Justin Bieber
Favorite Country Album: Carrie Underwood, Play On
Favorite Rap/Hip-Hop Male Artist: Eminem
Favorite Pop/Rock Album: Justin Bieber, My World 2.0
Favorite Pop/Rock Female Artist: Lady Gaga
Favorite Contemporary Inspirational Artist: MercyMe
Favorite Rap/Hip-Hop Album: Eminem, Recovery
Favorite Soundtrack Album: Glee: The Music, Volume 3 Showstoppers

U.S. Chart Roundup: Brace Yourselves—'Glee' Is A Hit Or Something

The main activity on the Billboard Hot 100 this week comes from the songs that appeared in the Season 2 premiere of Glee. The singing troupe of TV dorks see their following covers hit the chart: "Empire State Of Mind" (#21), "Telephone" (#23), "Billionaire" (#28) [Note: for the record, I fucking hate this song], "Listen" (#38) and "What I Did For Love" (#51).

Elsewhere, all does not seem lost just yet for Selena Gomez & The Scene's moody dance-pop jam "A Year Without Rain." After dropping from #35 to #65 last week, the single now jumps up to #53. Her same-named album debuts on the Top 200 album chart at #4. (Is it any good? I've only heard a few clips—seems decent enough?)

That brings us to Florence + The Machine, whose "Dog Days Are Over" sadly falls from #21—where it flew to after Flo's stellar MTV VMAs performance the other week—to #73. Over on the Top 200, FATM's Lungs has a less dramatic plunge from #14 to #28.

And we'll end with these two final notes—first up, Brandon Flowers' Flamingo, which debuted at #8 last week, drops to #30. I actually made it the whole way through this album twice. It's not bad. It's just...there.

And at least Christina Aguilera can be happy that she's finally #1 again somewhere. Her Bionic single "You Lost Me" has topped the Dance/Club Play Songs chart. Triumph!

The U.S. Top 10:

1. "Just The Way You Are" - Bruno Mars" *2 weeks*
2. "Teenage Dream" - Katy Perry
3. "Love The Way You Lie" - Eminem feat. Rihanna
4. "DJ Got Us Fallin' In Love" - Usher feat. Pitbull
5. "Dynamite" - Taio Cruz
6. "Like A G6" - Far*East Movement 
7. "Just A Dream" - Nelly
8. "Only Girl (In The World)" - Rihanna
9. "I Like It" - Enrique Iglesias feat. Pitbull
10. "Club Can't Handle Me" - Flo Rida feat. David Guetta

Katy Perry's #1, Kylie Minogue Hangs In, Scissor Sisters Do So-So And Kelly Rowland Rises

Blargh! Katy Perry's piece of summer treacle "California Gurls" has now asserted itself at the top of the UK chart like a prize whore taking the dominant position with a skittish john on a ripped up mattress in the alley behind a Holiday Inn.

But enough about that creamy slut! Kylie Minogue's "All The Lovers" hangs in there like a pert-assed trooper this week, only dropping two positions to #6. Kylie has been ramping up the promo blitz ahead of the release of Aphrodite by appearing on Friday Night With Jonathan Ross on, well, Friday, and surprising the crowd at Glastonbury yesterday by performing with Scissor Sisters. She needs to fly back to her homeland, though—"All The Lovers" debuted at #14 in Australia (betraying HATERS!!) last week and has now dropped to #22 there.

And speaking of Scissor Sisters and flops, their lead single off Night Work, "Fire With Fire," debuts at #11 on the new Brit chart. A full month-and-a-half after I declared that both the music video and the song itself are completely boring—causing one Scissters stan to comment, "You are about as removed from the creative process as Jake Shears is removed the world of cynical, worthless 'journalism' that owes more to the facetious tones of VH1 than anything else"—it seems as if the bulk of the United Kingdom, at least, concurs.

Again, that's not me hating. I'm a fan of the group. I've gone out to see them live three times. And I'm sure "Fire With Fire" would have made a quite luvvly fourth single. But as far as being the first single off their first album in four years, it's painfully dull.

Moving on, Miss Kelly Rowland climbs up from #17 to #13 with her flawless David Guetta-produced dance jam "Commander." I'm chalking this feat up to her recent amazing interaction with YouTube phenom PhatGayKid (who, mind you, has become a sensation after only being online since effing April!) on The Graham Norton Show.



Priceless. And we'll end with Robyn, whose "Dancing On My Own" suffers a drop from #8 to #16. But at least that's better than Christina Aguilera, who's Bionic has dropped out of the Top 40 of the UK album chart entirely after a mere two weeks.

The U.K. Top 10:

1. "California Gurls" - Katy Perry *new* 1 week*
2. "Wavin' Flag" - K'naan
3. "Shout" - Shout For England/Dizzee/James Corden
4. "Kickstarts" - Example
5. "Not Afraid" - Eminem
6. "All The Lovers" - Kylie Minogue
7. "Love The Way You Lie" - Eminem feat. Rihanna *new*
8. "Alejandro" - Lady Gaga
9. "Frisky" - Tinie Tempah feat. Labrinth
10. "Gettin' Over You" - David Guetta/Fergie/LMFAO

Christina Aguilera's 'Bionic' Chart Drop

Just a quick follow-up to last week's "how to salvage Christina Aguilera's Bionic disaster" post, Billboard published its new album chart info today, and Xtina's album took a tumble from #3 to #9. That, of course, isn't as drastic as the UK, where Bionic fell from #1 to #29 like a three-dollar whore spotting the last nickel left on the planet at the bottom of a well.

She'd better hope radio warms to second single "You Lost Me" when it's sent to stations next week—and fast.

Here's a minute of the official "Radio Mix" of "You Lost Me," which has a more punched-up drum beat than the album version (for those millions of you who haven't bought it):



This fan, however, probably knows every note of "You Lost Me" backwards.

Kylie Minogue And Robyn Dance Into UK Top 10

Based on downloads alone (physical release next Monday), Kylie Minogue's first Aphrodite single "All The Lovers" charts this week at #4 in the UK. Damn the football anthems!

So far it's Kylie's highest-charting song since "2 Hearts" went in at #4 in November 2007 (see: A History Of Kylie Minogue At #4). In Australia, "All The Lovers" debuts at #14. (Haters—turning on one of their own!) At least it went to #1 in Belgium, where the ball and chain is jetting off to on Tuesday!

By my count—and granted, I had a lot to drink last night—"All The Lovers" marks Kylie's 26th Top 5 single in England, if we include the Robbie Williams duet "Kids." We're also one month shy of when Kylie made her major return to pop divadom 10 years ago with "Spinning Around." Bitches need to keep downloading and then go buy that CD single when it comes out. She hasn't had a UK #1 since "Slow" (2003)!

A little further down the Brit chart, Robyn debuts at #8 with "Dancing On My Own," which becomes her fourth UK Top 10 hit and first since "Be Mine!" went to #10 in January 2008. Not faring quite as well is Robyn's eight-track album Body Talk Pt. 1, which debuts on the British album roundup at #47. Oh well—at least it went to #3 in Sweden!

On a final note, Christina Aguilera's Bionic drops on the album chart from #1 to #29.

And if you don't like it fuck you...

The U.K. Top 10:

1. "Shout" - Shout For England/Dizzee/James Corden *2 weeks*
2. "Wavin' Flag" - K'naan
3. "Kickstarts" - Example *new*
4. "All The Lovers" - Kylie Minogue *new*
5. "Frisky" - Tinie Tempah feat. Labrinth
6. "Not Afraid" - Eminem
7. "Gettin' Over You" - David Guetta/Fergie/LMFAO
8. "Dancing On My Own" - Robyn *new*
9. "Ridin' Solo" - Jason Derulo
10. "Alejandro" - Lady Gaga

Christina Aguilera's 'Bionic' Disaster—Reversible Or No?

By now we all know that Christina Aguilera's Bionic album campaign is off to a floptastic start. "Not Myself Tonight" tanked on the Billboard Hot 100, she canceled her summer tour and the endless Lady Gaga comparisons—not to mention rumors of a beef between the two, real or imagined—haven't exactly done anything to win her any new fans in this age where music buyers crave bad romance over being dirrty.

And so Xtina's Bionic limped into the Top 200 Albums chart this week at #3 (on sales of a measly 110,000 copies), coming in behind the Twilight Saga: Eclipse soundtrack (144,000) at #2 and the Glee: The Music—Journey To Regionals EP at #1 (152,000). Yes—a fucking EP of Glee songs sold more than Christina Aguilera. Welcome to the new decade.

The album is truly a hot mess of hodge podge, but as Pop Trash Addicts and My Fizzy Pop point out in their lengthy reviews (fine, impassioned reads, both of them), all of the podge isn't necessarily bad podge.

My advice (and, really, doesn't everyone want it?) is this: baby, you should have learned from Mariah Carey's tragically repeated past mistakes—the public doesn't want you ghetto, Gaga or trying to keep up with the times. They want you in a nice black dress, in front of a microphone belting out "Beautiful." You want to be edgy? You're allowed to make another "Fighter," but the "Dirrty" days are over. And you ain't electro, hon. Stick with the pretty stuff, like "You Lost Me"—which, if Sony has any execs with half a brain in charge of Aguilera's trajectory, will be her next single.

"Woohoo" might have actually worked if it were the third single, after a couple of the ballads. See, Christina's allowed to dance a bit, but the public wants familiarity at the onset. Don't go skipping out of the gate in the crotchless vinyl thong with the spiked ball gag in your yap, you dumb broad—it makes people who love to hate wary, and gives them ammunition. (Plus, it's just tired at this point.)

Read this, Christina. And read it well. All is hardly lost. Your fans are still there. And second chances come along all the time. Just ask your pal Britney.

Rush "You Lost Me" to radio. Your collaborations with Sia are gorgeous. And be a bit humble. Go visit stations. Do the talk shows again. Do a couple live dates. Starting from the ground up might help you get back to basics. And remind you what us boys and girls want.
 
The U.S. Top 10:

1. "California Gurls" - Katy Perry feat. Snoop Dogg *2 weeks*
2. "OMG" - Usher feat. will.i.am
3. "Airplanes" - B.o.B feat. Hayley Williams
4. "Billionaire" - Travie McCoy feat. Bruno Mars
5. "Your Love Is My Drug" - Ke$ha
6. "Alejandro" - Lady Gaga
7. "Break Your Heart" - Taio Cruz feat. Ludacris
8. "Not Afraid" - Eminem
9. "Rock That Body" - The Black Eyed Peas
10. "Find Your Love" - Drake

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